Gabriel: The Bringer of New Life

“Gabriel: the Bringer of New Life”, pastel on paper, 2018. Lean in and lean out stronger.

During my usually treasured time in the Helios Center for Nurturing Arts, I had one of the most uncomfortable experiences that I couldn’t entirely put my finger on until hours later after journaling while reflecting on my new creative product. Seemingly benign, we were focused on Archangel Gabriel for the day and the experience of him/her appearing to Mary. We sang, we acted(not the norm), and we worked in pastel to reflect on an aspect of the offering.

All throughout this time I was unsettled in a place that usually brings me solace and joy. I was welling up at our sweet songs…suddenly feeling the fleeting beauty and purity of our shared time together. I simultaneously felt pure love and the desire to run from the space, and I couldn’t identify why. In pondering my unease, I realized I was having an intense reaction to the bouquets of lilies all around, but a headache and sinus pain held nothing compared to nausea and panic clawing at my psyche. As everyone reflected on the purity and innocence of the lilies that were not only on the tables, but depicted in every classical Annunciation painting of Gabriel bringing them to Mary, all I could think was “why can’t I see them that way?” Lilies repulse me… in a way that is hard to explain. To me, they induce a visceral reaction that shakes me at a core level. To me they are the sickeningly sweet siren of death and all of its associated upheaval of emotions. Yet Gabriel “the bringer of new life” offered them to Mary along with his “good news." Hmmmm…

As I stepped outside for fresh air, Helena checked in and re-confirmed my experience of the lilies. What I couldn't quite yet express was my realization that they evoked in me the often chaotic feelings of trying to look okay to the world, while processing and feeling so much on the inside, especially in times of sorrow or death, much like the churning riptide of emotions I experience at every funeral. This visceral reaction to the lilies was intensely surreal in all that rose to the surface. I had to remind myself that emotions make a little more sense to me these days since realizing I am an ‘empath,’ which I now understand is why I get so taken by the feelings of feeling it all for all around me. It’s something I always felt and tried to hide from and yet didn’t understand it was an elemental aspect of who I am wired to be. It can be looked at as a blessing and/or a curse. Some days, I realize this is my gift and enables me to share and convey things I experience with the world in a creative way that others get to feel. Other days I just want to blend in, be “normal”, not feeling so much. Perspective is everything.

With the cat out of the bag, at my deepening realizations, I could breathe easier, a bit at least, by clearly identifying what I was feeling… IT ALL. I decided to keep with it instead of fleeing my sacred space. I needed to feel my way through this, like many things this year, and be with the discomfort and dis-ease. I needed to lean in once again. I tried to find my way onto my paper, feeling drugged and exhausted by all that was coursing through my mind and soul. None of the classical paintings were resonating as direct inspiration, so I decided to slowly find my way into creating something out of nothingness, a way to process this experience in preparation for the twelve holy nights and the year ahead, while acknowledging and honoring the here and now.

2018 has been a hard year full of struggles, lessons learned and massive growth on many fronts. Things and people I held dear vanished in the ether while others rose to the forefront in community with love, support, inspiration, and opportunities. New doors opened while others closed. Life in 2018 has been a roller coaster, but I am thankful nonetheless, to be able to stand in awe and be blessed enough to witness the divine connectedness of it all in a way I can learn from, feel deeply and know that this is my path and it is all a critical component to who I am meant to be. Life is fragile, and we need to dance with it, embrace it and cherish every moment we get — in the moment. There are no accidents, it all has meaning, and it is our duty to seek and decipher what we encounter.

So in the safety of Helena’s haven, amidst my Waldorf community, I tiptoed in with Spirit as my guide. My white pastel touched the blue paper not knowing what was to come and wound its way about. “Don’t expect any outcome,”… “what are you doing? You don’t know what you even want to create”...”slow down… think ahead"... "just play… get through it”... “keep it simple”… these were the whisperings in my mind. What emerged was exactly what I needed — a simple, amorphic image steeped in so much more. I think it captured what my soul is craving most for the new year: simplicity, beauty, continued pruning and growth, and the ability to embody effortless flow infused with Spirit’s quiet presence. The angel wing flows into the growth of new life unfurling, silhouetted and supported by the quiet presence of Spirit with subtle symbols for change and the Annunciation that only I would know. The upper right shape curled over on itself is off, but in it I see the bow of a boat like I imagine one would see on the River Styx. And the most fantastic thing, I didn’t even see until home journaling about the experience, was the female figure in the shape of the wing. It's message suddenly clear. When we embody and bow to Spirit and let it move through and support us — beauty, life and growth will flow. In embracing the death of our ego, and what we thought we understood, we can instead revel in the birth of our soul.

What does this all have to do with the Archangel Gabriel you ask?? In hindsight, I imagine Mary had similar rushing emotions of the unknown course through her as she was offered a blessing and a burden to which she had no idea the magnitude as she just said, "yes” to enduring birth, death and rebirth from the role of unconditional love. The Divine never gives us more than we can bear. If we have been chosen to weather challenges and/or gather blessings it is because God knows we can handle it all. Albeit not always with grace, if we are authentic and real in our journey, then others will forgive our lack of finesse in concisely expressing what we are experiencing in the moment. Life is beautiful AND it is a sea of emotions if we are really awake, listening, seeing and experiencing all it has to offer from a place of unconditional love.

So, I accept Gabriel’s offering of the lily and all the new life and emotions it brings. I want to feel it all… all the way through. I want to lean in and lean out stronger — touched, moved and inspired by the divine — and share it with the world. It isn’t always pretty, but it is a downright beautiful journey we get to live. I am eternally grateful, and now I know I am ready for 2019 with renewed purpose, insights, curiosity and wonder as I enter what will be my 50th journey around the sun.

Once again, my experiences at the Helios Center with Helena and her nurturing arts courses have enriched my life beyond what words can merely express. I am in gratitude to it all and for you all. The term “Namaste" has always seemed so cliché to me at times, yet in this experience it says it all. I see the world for all it is, bow to its mystery and magic and to all the beautiful beings seen and unseen who stand with me on my path. I see you. I bow to you.

Erin

PS— I stuck that pastel, with all its imperfections, in a frame and hung it opposite my bed as a beacon calling me to “let go and flow with it all.” It is no masterpiece but its meaning and the message received are beyond measure. As they say in the advertising campaign:
Frame, paper, and materials=$40, the experience of creating=PRICELESS. ;) E